How I feel about turning 50

This week I am turning 50 and it feels surreal.

For so long I have heard the words terminal, palliative, rare, death and many more along the same lines. I have been diagnosed with not one, but two rare terminal illnesses. In January of 1997 I was given one year to live.

Being told you are going to die at 26 with a 4-year-old and a 1-year-old at home is devastating. As I planned my funeral and prepared to die, all I wanted was to live long enough for my children to remember me. I'm so thankful to have gotten that and so much more. I’ve been able to watch them grow, I was there when they graduated and I’ve seen one son get married and the other engaged. I have even become a grandmother.

I have been gifted with great family, friends and time. If I would have passed away back then, oh what I would have missed. The glory of learning about myself, changing with the unknown, building a life I can be proud of, waking up every day and appreciating special and regular moments. Oh, the beauty of just another day.

There are moments when I ask myself “why me?”. Not in a negative way, but why did I get to live? What am I supposed to do to give back? How can I make a difference? I have been so blessed, so scared and have lived with the uncertainty that tomorrow may not come. I have had this extraordinary life of trials and tribulations, of happiness and great experiences. If tomorrow I don’t wake, I have lived the life that I am proud of. I have traveled the world, experienced unforgettable memories, sat quietly and happily with my thoughts, created, loved and cherished every moment.  

There is so much I am thankful for that I couldn’t even begin to put into words. Mostly for time. Time to kiss my boys' faces, meet my grandson, repair strained relationships, forgive and so much more. I am thankful for this life and for the opportunity to continue to live it. I am thankful to turn 50.